cairns

people bullied into submission.  I saw children desperate to be loved and not abused.  I heard lies in response to honest questions.  I heard threats against America by people invited here as visitors and residents.

I saw modesty, obedience to parents, and avoidance of shameful behavior in public places — but all from fear and legalism.

I shared joy and fun and laughter with people whose very names my country hates, and I will remember them with great fondness and nothing but prayers for their very best.

I saw people living in great devotion to leaders and beliefs which do not give hope, freedom, or any promise or even pretense of contact with the divine.

I accepted their book, answers, and materials with respect, then watched them tear up Bibles and throw them to the ground after pretending to want them.

I met good men who shared honest conversations and beliefs, and who also felt it necessary to set up secret meetings to ask more questions without facing retribution just for learning and considering ideas for themselves.

And, I weep for them.

Has the church committed the same wrongs in its history and its many forms?  I admit it has in too many times and places.

Has the church been more influenced by culture than a catalyst for bringing the holy into the culture?  I admit that there is much evidence of this and that their leaders have a point when they criticize decadent  behavior in the West.

Has the church also allowed the rise and adoration of leaders based on narrow formulas and blind obedience?  I admit that I have seen it and fear that I may be watching it yet again.

But as long as the church remains the church, proclaims that the divine mystery has been revealed in the person of Jesus Christ, and regardless of many differences, points people to Him — it is a source of life.

I know it isn’t PC, doesn’t sound open minded or academic, and looks divisive.  But, I have seen and I have listened to the testimonies of advocates and victims.  And, there is no possibility of their converting me.  I already know and fellowship with the God they seek.

peace

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Here I go again, back to that feeling, of no worthy cause to carry me on.

‘Cause my hearts been skipping, like a flat rock on water, and with each ripple, the further I’m gone.

Some say I’m sinking, to the muddy bottom, but somehow I’m sailing, to the shores of white sand.

I feel it raining, and the crosswinds are changing, blowing my chances, to make it alone.

But should you get lonesome, and your child need a mother, just look for the traces, on shores of white sand.

Some say I’m sinking, to the muddy bottom, but somehow I’m sailing, to the shores of white sand…

Written by Jude Johnstone, sang by Emmylou on All I intended to be. This CD will be in my stereo for a while!

I know where I am bound.  I know the Freedom and Love I walk in with the Spirit.  If, I describe the crosswinds, my desire for traveling companions who understand, the contrast of water and sun, my delight at the act of traveling — please don’t think I am sinking or try to correct my journey.  I’m doing fine.

peace

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A friend and pastor recently told me that he perceives me to be a person who wants to be liked, to be accepted. He further counseled that I need to realize that I am fully loved and accepted by God and that others and the church have nothing more to offer me.

I have been mulling it over for a while now.

There is some truth in it on the obvious level as stated. Most of us prefer to be liked than disliked, prefer to be accepted than rejected. Having been rejected by my family’s church, does perhaps make that stronger in me at times. Still, my position with God was established firmly a long time ago as was my acceptance of it. That is not the issue. (I think my career demonstrates a stronger need to do what is right than to be accepted. But, I should let others who have observed me decide that.)

There is something more. I have taken the other path. I have been the crusading fundamentalist defending doctrine and correct positions whether you like me or not. I was good at winning arguments and ‘proving’ points. I was not good at lifting up the other person involved or listening for God’s leading (I already knew everything!) And it was harmful to everyone involved. It did not make a better church. Looking back, I was unlikeable and unacceptable to me. My behavior was, I believe now, unacceptable to God.

So, when you see me self edit; when you see me back off from the quick comment; when you see me decide not to go there, it may be about you. I will no longer assert my every view in a context where it will cause dissension or anger. When I pause, it is not (at least not just) a matter of, “Will they like me?” It is truly an attempt to discern what is the Spirit’s leading? Where is this going? Is this edifying?

The result is often to behave in a way that is more like-able, more socially acceptable, than in my past. If the Spirit tells me to take the path, already suggested by some who read here, to offend you — rest assured, I will. But, I will listen very carefully and discern carefully first because I have already been there.

I am still struggling with the church having nothing further to offer me. And, I edited out the rest of this paragraph because I keep saying, “God is telling me this,” and everyone keeps responding, “No, He is telling you that. Now quit pushing.” I will wait and see what He does and know which voice was true. Not to make you like me, I simply have not seen another path — yet.

peace

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I have always said that I am not political, meaning not attracted to or skilled at the type of human maneuvering, intrigue, and deceit which takes place in all organizations.  I have used it in a rather derisive way for as long as I can remember and little in the field of elections has given me a more positive twist.  But I just read this in Marcus Borg’s book as he discusses Jesus as a political figure.

But he was political in the more comprehensive and important sense of the word: politics as the shaping of a community living in history.

I like it.  That is the kind of politics a person can aspire to be known for pursuing!

peace

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The concept of totality exists in theory, but never in life. In even the best-built wall there is always a chink (or we hope there is, and that means something). Even when we have the feeling that nothing works anymore, something works and makes minimal existence possible. Even if there’s an ocean of evil around us, green and fertile islets will poke above the water. They can be seen, they are on the horizon. Even the worst situation in which we can find ourselves breaks down into elements that include something for us to grab hold of, like the branch of a bush that grows on the bank, to avoid being sucked to the bottom by the whirlpool. That chink, that island, that branch sustains us on the surface of existence.

Rysznard Kapuscinski in Another Day of Life, describing the return of hope based on finding a working telephone while facing the possibility of eminent death — in spite of the fact that nobody answered on the other end.

peace

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For years I said that when I left administration I would write the book.  For a long time I imagined it to be an angry, perhaps poisonous, expose’ of public education’s not-that-secret failings mixed with stories of very real young people.  Now that I have been out of administration for three years, that kind of negativity just does not seem worth creating or spreading.  The kids’ stories still seem worth telling within a more constructive framework.

Also I find that I have been reading in theology rather than education.  It is meaning rather than method that fuels my quest.

So, I have been wondering for the past few days if the book I should be writing is something along the lines of Theology from the Classroom.  It could be an exploration of how my beliefs emerge and find expression and definition from years of practice in public education.  Chapters might include this is our real world, imaginary standards, illusions of equality, illusions of inclusion, experiments in community, following and leading…

Any thoughts?

peace

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Yesterday’s sermon was on forgiveness in the family, again using the patriarchs of Genesis as text.  To be fair, he is not holding them up as exemplars.  To the contrary, he scanned through the entire book pointing out how messed up, dysfunctional, and “wacko” they really were.  peace

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Meeting all morning for upcoming mission trip.

Napped until the Belmont non-event.

Grilled nice bar-b-cued pork steaks for dinner.

Listening to ‘Americana’ on cable music.

Reading Kapuscinski’s Another Day of Life.

Waiting for news about cousin Diana fighting for life at end of battle with cancer.

A quiet contemplative day.

peace

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Buy this book. I would love to have a group of people to sit and discuss each chapter with as Mclaren suggests.

If the Jesus whose eucharist can be celebrated by gun videos no longer makes sense…

If that is the Jesus you have really always been taught, but never understood (at least along side also being taught the Jesus of love)…

If there is something about current western Christianity that just won’t sit no matter how faithful you try to be…

buy this book.

peace

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Maybe that makes it attractive to the consumer age church goer.  You don’t have to feel guilty about just attending, feeling good, and leaving.  Stuff will get done, they have thousands to choose from.

But, some of us want to meaningfully engage, contribute, and know that things are different because we are there.  So, we volunteer, we wait for opportunities, we beg, and we join up.  And sometimes we convince ourselves that you are sincere when you say you value us.

But, when it becomes clear that we are attendees so you can hold meetings and fill your agenda/fulfill your job obligations, that once the meeting is done it is done and your agenda, heart, and mind are elsewhere, that all real decisions will be made by the “real staff,” that you are working to create ways to stroke my ego by creating ways that I can appear to do something while the huge organizational machine grinds on — it becomes clear that I am not needed.

Perhaps it is time to find a place where I am. 

peace

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